I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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