Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
