Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
