He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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