I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
