Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
