I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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