ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
