I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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