I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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