Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Drunk is not a location!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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