youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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