Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
