I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize