When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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