mondays should just be called national damage control day
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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