I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
