Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
