he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize