he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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