I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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