She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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