There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
being pregnant is like rehab
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
