Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
