Your mouth is God's brothel.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
