Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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