the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
