I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
