I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
