R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
