Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
In America we eat man semen.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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