Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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