I hate all girls vehemently.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Your penis caused this!
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