I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
