My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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