I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
