why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
