dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
