So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How naked do you want me to be?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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