someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
