No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
