I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
