WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
