hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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