I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
