You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
