I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
