I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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