I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
