actually, I'm a sock model
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
