Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
