i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
