I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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