you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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