Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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