i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize