i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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