EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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