toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize