why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
