Banned from zoo.
Again?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
