My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
