dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i need some magic done to my vagina
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
