dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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