There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
