I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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