My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
