Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
